Listening versus Talking

I got this comment last week. It is an interesting question, so I thought I would address it as another post.

“I am a student enrolled in a leadership curriculum and am also an office manager for a mid-size community bank. I have a hard time balancing listening and doing nothing with listening and giving too much feedback. What suggestions do you have?”

Thanks for the question.

In the 22 years I have been doing this kind of stuff (you know the stuff) I have known many more managers who listened little and gave too much advice than managers who listened well and gave effective feedback.

So what should a manager shoot for?

1. Take more time to listen. Actively listen. This means asking for clarification and not thinking about what you are going to say.
2. Ask more questions. Engage people in inquiry.
3. Provide performance feedback as needed. Feedback is needed in order for people to be held accountable. But don’t confuse feedback with coaching. If you are in a coaching situation – listen and ask questions.

As a manager, you need to make sure people are crystal clear about expectations and equally clear about how well they are meeting expectations. Otherwise, I think it is safe to err on the side of active listening and asking provocative and evocative questions.

Here are a few tips on active listening:

You need to listen to the words that are being said and hear the person’s intent, or disconnects will occur. Even with the best of intentions, messages can become distorted and confused. Managers who learn to listen well and provide effective feedback will improve overall dialogue reception.

You are listening actively when you

• Demonstrate a sincere desire to pay attention to the other person (instead of mentally practicing what you are going to say next).
• Commit to being coachable and open with the information being received from the other person.
• Relate to his or her perspective and empathize with his or her point of view.
• Seek to understand the other person.
• Pay attention and don’t be distracted by other things in the environment.
• Ensure you have interpreted the message as intended through feedback, confirming, restating, or paraphrasing.
• Reflect on what is being said.
• Synthesize the information, emotion, and feelings to improve understanding.
• Clarify the information by asking questions and probing.
• Validate perceptions and assumptions.
• Let the other person talk.
• Are fully present and focused on the other person.

Active listening is the practice of showing someone that you are listening and interested in what he or she has to say. This involves giving him or her your full attention through verbal and nonverbal encouragement and validation.

Many people let full calendars, long to-do lists, stress, and their natural behavioral tendencies get in the way of their ability to actively listen. To get in the habit of listening actively, try these tips:

• Be with the other person, fully present and focused on him or her.
• Give the other person good eye contact; don’t let your eyes roam the room.
• Take some notes, but don’t look at other papers or reports. Don’t take such detailed notes that you are missing the overall message.
• Let the other person talk, do not worry about filling the lulls in between sentences.
• Ask clarifying questions.
• Mentally put yourself in other person’s shoes.
• Respond to what he or she is saying so that he or she can tell you are listening.
• Eliminate distractions like phone, pager, and email pings.

Active listening is a habit that you can and should develop. Being a great listener benefits managers by reducing misunderstandings, improving information accuracy, and ensuring that they have complete information from which to work. Employees, peers, and even YOUR manager will open up more when they feel listened to.

Comments

[Lee White]

As I was reading this I couldn't help but think of this as an analogy for how organizations should deal with stakeholders. I think every point you make can be used in how we interact with customers, employees (in the aggregrated sense), etc. I think if you were to ask most sr. managers in any company they would readily agree with your comments, in the context you expressed. It would be interesting how many would fully support these arguments if you used an organizational lens instead.

[laurence haughton]

I have one to add to your list.

I think that people don't listen because they know if they listen they are going to hear things they don't want to hear.

Like "you weren't clear" or "the situation is more complex than you think" or "this is going to take more time (or money) than you originally thought."

Of all the aggravations of listening (and there are several) hearing things you don't want to hear must be at the top of the list, don't you think?

[Lisa Haneberg]

Laurence - I agree totally. We often don't listen because we don't want to really hear the truth (truth used lightly here).

I also think we don't listen because we are too focused on ourselves. Every conversation becomes about us. Even when offering coaching. It should be about the other person, but as soon as we starting spewing advice, we have made it about us.

I can hear Carly now, "You're so vain, you probably think this song is about you..." Don't we do this too? Come on, I'll admit it.

Have you ever been in a conversation when you have just wanted to scream, "This is not about you!"

We humans are a trip..... :-)

[Lisa Haneberg]

Lee - hmmm, the organizational lens is interesting.... I agree that most would agree, but it would be like agreing that flossing teeth is important. How many actually do it? Fewer, much fewer.

[laurence haughton]

Yes Lisa. I couldn't agree more.

The most boring song (story) is the one that is sung in the key of me, me, me.

[laurence haughton]

Also I think "listening ability" is one of the attributes that 90% of managers would say they are above average to superior.

How can one tell if they are not a good listener?

[Lisa Haneberg]

Perhaps determining if we are a bad listener is not necessary. Let's just agree that most people think they listen well, but most people are poor listeners. If everyone reading this erred on the side of knowing they stink at listening, everyone would win.

Sometimes I think it is more powerful to take on the most helpful belief than worrying about what is really "so." Any way, the truth likely changes with the person. We are all selective listeners.

Heck, my dogs are selective listeners. When I am chopping carrots, they pick up on this across the house. When it is time to go out and it is raining, then they have a hearing problem.

[Jeffrey Turner]

How do you deal with "chatter boxes" - people that go on, and on, and on, and on ...

[Lisa Haneberg]

Ahhh, the story tellers? I create an open and mutually respective relationship where I can be honest with him or her and ask for their condensed version. Story tellers know they are story tellers.

With clients who I do not yet know well, I politely interrupt and move the conversation forward.

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[Marc Wong]

Thanks for the many good points in the article and comments. It's very interesting to delve more deeply into listening.

Most of us know the how to respond when someone says, "Check out my new iPhone!" We ask for a demonstration. We engage and draw out the other person's excitement. Based on this, we call ourselves excellent listeners.

We don't say:
"It's ok, that model's not that cool."
"Just wait until the next model comes out and you won't be this excited anymore."
“Why did you buy that?”
"I got a new iPhone too! Look at mine!" “But the new version is coming out next month.”
“Your cell phone is so much better than mine!”

But when it comes to listening purely for the sake of serving the other person's need to say something, we make all those mistakes.

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