Influencing others - Pull versus Push Coaching

I was talking with the very smart Jeffrey Ford (co-author of The Four Conversations with his wife Laurie) on the phone last week and he offered this simple and elegant thought about coaching.

"There is no coaching without a request."

Hmmm. Yes, this is true. Let's break it down a bit. I often get requests to help train managers to better coach employees. They use the term coaching but actually want me to help their managers counsel employees who are not meeting expectations. That's something managers need to do but it is not really coaching. File this skill under the the title of PERFORMANCE COUNSELING.

And then I have worked with managers and leaders who believed that coaching was an opportunity to share their sageness. Share their lessons learned. Share ideas and give advice to less experienced professionals. This is very important to do, too, but this is not really coaching either. File this skill under the the title of TEACHING AND ADVICE GIVING.

I get calls from executives who are worried about one of their managers who they fear might not make it. Something he or she is doing is bad enough that it could affect their career and coaching is offered as a last ditch effort to save the employee. These fix it situations sometimes involve coaching but often what needs to be done is a combination of diagnosis, feedback, direction and tough love accountability. Things should not come to this but they sometimes do. And although coaches are used, I don't think of this as coaching (it is really more like having a lot of attention from a somewhat detached boss figure). File this skill under the the title of INDIVIDUALIZED LEADERSHIP PLANNING AND FEEDBACK.

These three types of well-intended help are pushed onto the performer. Managers push all kinds of things on a daily basis - the vast majority with good intent and to good results. But this is not coaching.

I recently conducted a survey about coaching preferences and the most frequently mentioned and vivid message that participants offered was that they want us to pull, not push coaching.

• Don't force it
• Help me when I want the help
• Take the time to learn about my goals
• Stop pontificating
• Don't get angry if I don't take your advice - it's just your advice
• Encourage me

And on and on. These results did not differ by age group, BTW, this was a theme for all demographics.

Most of us spend much more time pushing what we think is coaching instead of pulling what others will regard as coaching. We mean well, we do. It takes time and care to provide pull coaching because it requires that we ask more questions, be more flexible, recognize and respect the other person's coachability triggers and get to know him or her and what he or she is up to and interested in creating. It is easier to project what we think is best for our employees onto them wrapped in a pretty blanket called coaching. 

Here's one way to increase your opportunities for providing pull coaching in 2010 - take the initiative to get to know your employees better. Understand what each person endeavors to do and how they each wants to impact the organization. Allow yourself to be inspired by their interests and engagement (if they don't seem engaged and interested, keep listening and keeping learning about what's important to them, they are engaged and interested in something). Get to know each person in ways that work for them (methods, timing, level of formality, frequency). Survey participants said that they did not want their bosses interrupting them when they are very busy, near a deadline, or in the zone doing something else.

Pull coaching is a service and will be best achieved when we adopt a service mentality. How we serve, what we serve, and when we serve it should be defined - and requested - by the customer.

Based on the information in this post - how much coaching do you do? What skills do you need to develop to be a better coach? Are you interested in pull coaching? Drop me a line or leave a comment with your thoughts and questions.

Comments

[Katy]

This is great stuff - your post really made me think about how I approach coaching and whether I am doing enough "pull" vs. "push" activities. Nice!

[Randy Boek]

Well said Lisa. Thanks and best of the new year to you.

[lisa haneberg]

Katy and Randy - thanks for your comments. I think we can all take a look at how we help others and make sure we are pulling as much as possible - knowing that sometimes a little push is what's needed, too. I think it would be great if managers were very open about this, too, letting their performers know that this is a "push" moment and why.

[Wally Bock]

I like this post, but I'm concerned that we even are having the discussion. In the last few years "coaching" has come to mean two things. It's what some people name what they do for a living. In addition to all the sports coaches, there are life coaches and executive coaches and writing coaches and relationship coaches. "Coaching" has also become one of the good things that bosses should do. Like "leadership" and "strategy," "coaching" has become a value-laden term, not a description of a kind of activity.

What I worry about is that we will wander off into the weeds of theological dispute over definitions and lose site of the purpose behind this stuff: to help our teams and team members succeed.

[lisa haneberg]

Yes, Wally, I agree, that's should be the focus. I think it is helpful to discuss the notions of pull and push because many managers are never trained to see, encourage, or respond to pull coaching.